iamsarahjoy.

they say, life makes more sense in hindsight...

2012-01-03T02:28:00.001+08:00

This might be long. I know I've said what a dreary year 2011 had been. But you know, it isn't until you look back at how God REALLY ANSWERED your prayers does it suddenly occur to you that 2011 might have been pretty darn amazing!

This is what I asked God for in 2011 (a list written at Connect Group)

1. To know what God thinks of me - to be a girl who is really secure
- in the last few months of 2011, I had multiple people tell me I'm the most 'princess-like' person they know and that I really carry myself like a princess and I really represent my name well. oh and I definitely found out what God thinks of me multiple times throughout the year.

2. Write a book
- okay... this can be carried forward :)

3. Be more encouraging to others and to myself too
- I'm not sure about being encouraging to others, someone else will have to vouch for that. But personally, I've definitely learnt to encourage myself and also be a little less harsh on myself.

4. Be a generous person and grateful too
- This was not easy at times but I've seen my generosity levels go from zero to something I can honestly say I was proud of me in 2011. I learnt to give more than I ever expected to receive. I paid for more peoples meals than I'd ever done before. I gave without agenda. I gave because I loved people.

5. Sponsor a child
- Okay. Now, I totally didn't look at this list till now. 2nd January 2012. I wrote this list probably in February 2011. Who would have imagined that our church would start Kingdom City 2 (Transform Cambodia)? Who would have imagined that Jane, Josh and I would buy flight tickets to Cambodia with no expectation or knowledge of us being able to have sponsored a child. But God knows the desires of our heart yes. Kingdom City 2 was launched on 27th November and the three of us flew to Cambodia on 13th December and got to meet An Laiheang (the little girl we sponsor) two days later.

In hindsight, there were multiple events that really tested a lot of these areas of my life. I wrecked my phone beyond repair, which really pushed those insecurity buttons but gave God room to show me areas that I'd so cleverly hidden. I got into multiple accidents and even lost my laptop a few months later which tested faith, trust and all the fruits of the spirit you could ask for. Those events really brought out the dross and forced me to grow in grace, faith, forgiveness and confidence in who God is. I also definitely learnt to forgive myself.

Something else really amazing happened though in 2011. Kingdom City had its first Miracle Offering. I actually can't remember how much I gave. But I gave all I had with no possibility of replenishing my bank account via monthly paycheck. That was pretty scary. But hey, God had been teaching me generosity right. I also had no idea what to ask for when I gave though.

Some time after that offering, I was told my phone was able to be fixed - which was a miracle! In November, I got a macbook pro as a birthday present from my parents and my dad bought a Canon 60D - two things I've really wanted.

On New Years Eve, my parents also gave me a receipt stating that they'd purchased a car for me (as a belated birthday present). I'd never asked them for a car before so it was a really huge surprise. On that Sunday though, Esther (my amazing friend) reminded me that I did ask for a car at the beginning of the year, as a joke sort of. Which reminded me that when I had been talking to my students early on in the year about what they wanted for their birthday, I had jokingly said I wanted to have a birthday party and a car. God does have a huge sense of humour! Be careful what you joke about!

Now, after all these words, I'm beginning to see that God was with me every single step of the way. Bumps and all. So 2011 really was a year of faith and growth. I just forgot. I focused on everything I did wrong and on everything I missed. Bad perspective! Ah! I probably need to go have a 'gratefulness' session with God now.

I'm adding GRATEFULNESS to my list of Resolutions this year now - lest we forget.

Oh hey, I also made soooooooo many new friends in 2011. That was good too!

Love u all, sj xx

12 Words.

2011-12-31T19:29:00.000+08:00

2012

Here are 12 words that I felt drop into my heart for thiscoming year. No, I did not plan 12 words. But as I typed them out, I realizedthat there were 12. So here’s my little goal list for 2012. Not much of aresolution list but its a list.

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Hope

Pull out the dusty journals of my life that I’ve storedaway, dreams and all. This year, ask God to reawaken dreams that have beenshelved and dreams that have died. Ideas that had once been exploding insidethat I’ve found dampened, expectations that I’ve found killed – 2012 is time toreawaken and rediscover hope.

Strength

Kingdom City has stated that 2012’s theme is Strength. Butbeyond a church theme, I really want this to be my personal theme. Above allthe other words in this list, strength is one thing I really want to have.

Physicalstrength – exercise, eat healthy, sleep well

Mental strength – in Proverbs itsays that one must study to show thyself worthy; I want to memorize better,read more consistently, and use my mind for more than what I’ve used it in thepast.

Emotional strength – I’m a suckerin this area. Definitely need building here!

Spiritual strength – to know Godmore intimately, to read, know, embrace and understand the Bible, to carryGod’s fragrance even more evidently than before, become a worshiper from theheart, to love God for real

Grace

I barely understand God’s grace and I still get amazed whenpeople show me grace but one thing I want to be better in is showing grace toothers. I’ve watched people who aren’t Christians show grace so much betterthan I ever have and if indeed I want to carry God’s fragrance even better thisyear, then I should be a better agent of grace.

Focus

For someone with super a short attention span, this has beena challenge. Focusing on something instead of everything. I want to be able tostart well and end even better. I want to enjoy the journey but ensure I finishwhat I begin. I want to remain focused on what I need to do instead of getdistracted halfway and then do whatever I started halfheartedly.

Growth

This is self-explanatory I think. I want to see growth inall the areas listed here.

Awe

Rediscover childish wonder. I want to be able to be awed andamazed by even the simplest things. Irefuse to allow people to tell me I’m just easily amused. I want to be easilyamused.

Flow

This ties a lot with focus. Regardless of the fact that I’mgoing to be having my hand in a whole lot of different things this year, I wantto be able to carry on the same passion from one thing to another. Not to treatanything less than another. To flow would mean, I’d be able to carry life intoevery area of work, play, study, relationships, etc.

Expansion

I want to expand my borders. Literally, I want to exploremore of the world. This doesn’t just mean to travel to foreign lands, but evento experience new things, places, cultures right here in my own backyard. Iwill continue my coffee/café adventures in the light of this of course!

Intentional

To be intentional about everything I do. I do not want tojust jump into things for the sake of doing something. From whom I go out withto what I eat for dinner to what I’m allowing my students to watch to what Ibuy at the grocery store to the movies I watch, I want to be intentional. I donot want to be mindless.

Create

If strength was to be my 2012 personal theme, create will bemy project. This year I want to squeeze every ounce of creativity out of me. Thisdoesn’t just mean I want to design more things or make better postcards; I wantto see me do everything more creatively. Find creative options for everything.My words have the power to create. I want to create environments for people tothrive in.

Discipline

Of all the above, this will hold it all together.Discipline. This has been my downfall my whole life. I’ve tried hard to be alot of things, that didn’t help. I tried being more spiritual, that obviouslyfailed. I tried to be more focused, that won’t work – not without discipline.If I cultivated proper discipline in my life, all the 10 points above will flowever so beautifully.

Love

This has to be the key to everything. Without love, it’llall be meaningless. We all know this. I know this. So in 2012, everything I domust be done out of love; to have a servant heart and serve in love.

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This is going to be a fully amazing year; I am excited forit. I guess partly because I am saying ‘GOOD RIDDANCE’ to 2011 since it’s beenquite a bit of a blur for me.

I also still am looking out for more coffee dates, and alsolooking for more people to send-and-receive postcards from.

Happy New Year everyone! Have the best 2012 you can imagine!

sj xoxo

but then again.

2011-12-30T01:16:00.002+08:00

Being grown up is about doing the hard stuff. It’s about finding joy and gratitude in the midst of horrible circumstances. It’s about not feeling “entitled” to your way or your comfort. It’s also about taking initiative, not waiting to be asked. And, not resenting when you are asked to do something. Being grown up is about loving.
Being grown up is not about you. - Gail Hyatt

I just want for all of this to end!

2011-12-30T01:11:00.000+08:00

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights

The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites

I want to run away I want to ditch my life

Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

Because I just want for all of this to end

And I so hate consequences

And running from you is what my best defense is

Consequences

Oh God, don't make me face up to this

And I so hate consequences

And running from you is what my best defense is

Cause I know that I let you down

And I don't want to deal with that

When I got tired of running from you

I stopped right there to catch my breath

There your words they caught my ears

You said, "I miss you son. Come home"

And my sins, they watched me leave

And in my heart I so believed

The love you felt for me was more than

The love I'd wished for all this time

And when the doors were closed

I heard no I told so's

I said the words I knew you knew

Oh God, Oh God I needed you

God all this time I needed you, I needed you

----------

I'm ready for the end.

I'm tired.

New years don't necessarily mean new heart or new mind.

I don't just want a new year.

I want a new me.

Either that, or let's just quit now.

Unfinished Thoughts: Grace, and whatever it may or may not mean.

2011-12-28T01:35:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I get reminded about how much of a misfit I am. Okay, truth is I'm always aware of it. There's one person who's nicknamed me 'trouble'. I laugh at that name, because sometimes I think it's very true, sometimes I hope it's not true, some days it haunts me, then sometimes I don't care if it is true.

I was having a conversation today about having "a call" upon ones life. You might have heard of this if you've been in 'christian circles' long enough. Some people grow up in Christian families, some others don't. Some are pastor's kids, some are just kids of doctors, lawyers or shopkeepers. Calling. I mentioned that some people have huge calls upon their lives, which then would imply that some people don't. You know, I don't know how this works and right now, I don't quite have the capacity to try make sense of it either. But it must be true somehow, seeing that certain people have bigger hurdles than others to get to where God wants you to be. Just like that saying "with great power comes great responsibility".. who decides who gets great power anyways? Likewise, who decides who gets huge callings and not?

Yet, there's this thing about being a misfit.

I just love thinking about grace. No, really. It's a baffling thing that someone would entrust life into my hands. Let's not even talk about being entrusted with other peoples lives, let's just say I'm amazed God allowed me to live my life! Giving me free will and all. It's humorous.

I turned 28 a month ago. Nope, I'm not necessarily beaming with pride of where I have been or how far I've come. I'm not ashamed, just not sure how it all fits into a picture. I still have no idea what I'm doing and no idea where I'm headed either. What about 'calling' and 'destiny'? I have no idea. Most people work really hard to get to where they are, I've just sat on my ass all my life and waited. Yet, God has been good to me. Why? Shouldn't I be allocated the "lazy people shouldn't eat" rule as stated in Proverbs?

Still, there's this thing called GRACE. Like I said, baffling. I wouldn't give me grace. I wouldn't give a lot of people grace. I might give some really nice, sweet people grace. But definitely not the majority of human beings living on this planet. But hey, thankfully I'm not God!

So I've been asked recently, why do bad things happen to good people then? Baffling!

Questions!! So many questions! People ask them, I ask them, we all ask them!

Yet, grace. Grace grace grace.

Who knows right?!

Yes, I was supposed to be cleaning my room. I'm not going out till I'm done. I'll continue this thought another time.... till then, feel free to add your two cents worth if you will :)

love x

Christmas thoughts.

2011-12-25T03:27:00.002+08:00

It's 2:18am on Christmas morning. Well, technically since I haven't slept it's still sorta Christmas Eve.

"All I want for Christmas is to experience, know and be more like the One who made me - and to discover and be exactly who he made me to be!" via @iamsarahjoy

That's my Christmas tweet for ya and really, it's what I want for Christmas, and New Year and the rest of my life. I want to know who I was really made to be.

I'm a jack of all trades kinda person. I'm fairly good at everything I put my hand to, SHOULD I WANT to put my hand to it. But seeing I have a very short attention span, it's meant that I never want to stick around doing one particular thing for long enough to master it. Except maybe, wait, nope, nothing. Sigh. So that leaves me knowing a little bit of everything but not really knowing anything at all.

I realized that I freeze while having proper conversations with people. I find that I know so little that after a certain point in the conversation, I'm completely dumbing out. It's very frustrating and very frightening all at once. That's maybe why I get teary while talking to people. I hope people haven't noticed though.

So, my Christmas/New Year wish & resolution is - to find out the ONE THING that I will absolutely and fully pursue like my life depended on it. The ONE THING that people will go, "yup, that's Sarah!"

In 2012, I want to get EXCELLENT at something and stop being average at everything.

However, if I discover that being this jack-of-all-trades person is exactly who God designed me to be... hahaha I'll let you know.

It just occured to me, Sarai of the Bible, Abram's wife, pre-pregnancy & name change, laughed when she heard news that she was to be with child. Her name was changed to Sarah eventually yes. It also happens that MY middle name is Joy. Sarah & Joy kinda go hand in hand I guess, seeing that Sarah of the Bible laughed.

Ah well, just a random thought.

It's 3:27am. Great!
Blessed Christmas everyone! xoxo

After Words.

2011-12-23T13:37:00.002+08:00

So, the morning came. (well, actually I woke up when the afternoon came...)

Just a few after-thoughts from last night.

1/ I know God is faithful. I'm a living testimony of that faithfulness and goodness and grace!

2/ I really want to bring this blog back to what I first envisioned it to be when I first started writing in 2001.. a place where people are able to not just come with me on a journey, but find God in their journeys through my discovery of who God made me and who God is at all. Therefore, ultra honest and unashamed thoughts only.

(Disclaimer: My thoughts may sound depressing every now and again, but believe me its all just part of the journey and the next blog post would most likely sound better than the last. At least that's the hope. Ha!)

3/ I'm not just trusting God for another 2 weeks. New vows for a new year but in the meantime, I still need strength to trust him for the completion of these next two weeks. You know.

4/ It's a great day! I'm going to make Christmas gifts today... I think. And afterwards, I'm going out to watch Mia Palencia and Reza Salleh. If you're free tonight, come join me :D Christmas is not the time to be alone remember....

Much love to you all who read.
xoxo sj

nil.

2011-12-23T01:57:00.002+08:00

Can I be really honest?

It's almost Christmas. Coldplay's Christmas Lights has been on repeat in my head over and over as well as the line from City News (click here) Christmas @ Kingdom City promo saying "Christmas is not a time to be alone, its a time to be shared" ringing loud and clear. Yet, I'm feeling the alone-ness even more than ever.

This year has been a really interesting one. Starting the year off with a vow to God that I'm giving him my 2011. There's a lot that goes with making a vow like that. I've discovered, albeit rather painfully sometimes, that God takes vows seriously and when you've also asked for help to fulfill vows, he actually helps! Needless to say, I've had a lot of interesting conversations with God all throughout this year.

Side note: I would have loved to handwrite this post but I maybe get words out a lot faster this way. Next time I'll write.

So, I'm sitting here and I feel... empty.

I want to know answers. I want to understand certain things. I want to jump into some things and yet I want to run away from some others. I'm asking lots of questions in my head but not being able to find words to speak them out. Besides, I'm not sure who'd be willing to listen either.

I've made a lot of friends this year. More friends made in the last 6 months than I've made in the last 6 years perhaps! By friends, I mean people who I call, text and make an effort to spend time with. Friends are great but there's still this sense of vacancy.

Grr. I just want to stop feeling. Take away all these emotions. I don't want to give out pieces of my heart anymore. I don't even want to be guarded. I just don't want to care.

I don't hate anyone. Right now, I hate my heart. I want it to stop beating - figuratively. At least for the next two weeks.

I felt God ask me today, as I was about to burst into tears when the alone-ness and desperation hit me, and as He gently reminded me of my vow... "but 2011 is not over yet.... can you trust me for another two weeks?"

Two weeks?! That's a lot of days! But it's all about trust isn't it. This whole year has been about trust hasn't it. If I have trusted God all these 11.5 months, can I not trust him for another 0.5 months?

"Doesn't really feel like Christmas at all...." maybe I want to go back to being away from home, at least I'm distracted half the time by feeling homesick.

I'll be better tomorrow I'm sure.

Goodnight.

here. almost home.

2011-12-21T01:47:00.000+08:00

I've been living.

I think I write a lot less when I live. No offense to people who write a lot. I'm just a terrible multi-tasker. Or maybe I've just been trying to do too many things that I haven't had much brain space to do the things I really want to do. Yeah, terrible multi-tasker.

Fizzled.

I've had the amazing opportunity to travel over the last eight days. I count it such a privilege regardless of how much I'm yearning to get home. Home, more than it's ever been so real, is the prize for me. I heard it over and over again while I was at Hillsong, I thought it was a great and noble idea then. But now I understand it a lot more being away from home. However, I'd still love to travel more. They say absence makes the heart fonder right?!

Travel.

It's been great. I've made new friends. I've seen new things. Done the whole experience thing. Really stepped out of my comfort zone. Been on an entire holiday without a single plan! That's new for me, being a planner and all. I've had moments of frustration due to the lack of plans and felt the insecurity of it, yet, I've found myself understanding grace a lot more.

Church.

We went to church on Sunday. Newsong.

There was no real 'structure' to the whole deal. Church started whenever the majority of people sort of got around the 'stage' area, which wasn't much of a stage to begin with. It looked like a cafe, without chairs or tables. Everyone just mingled and ate the food that was served. Then they took their food or coffee with them, sat on whatever space they could find, sang along during worship or just watched, or even slept. A serious case of, come as you are. Even the 'sharing' was unconventional. Totally mind-blowing for a 'structure' junkie like me. YET, it was EXACTLY what I needed.

*side note, if you're ever in Bangkok, you must visit Newsong.

Yet.
The last 10 days have been a major case of tension of parallels. I've also found out that; contrary to what I expected 2012 to bring; I am still going to be working at the kindergarten. A whole lot of "yet..." - I'm super out of my comfort zone. It would have been comfortable to leave the kindy, find a random job, do what I wanted to do for a change. YET, I will be starting 2012 with kids again, doing what I've been trying to stop doing and still not pursuing whatever "dream" I still have yet to figure out.

Thoughts.
I'm done for now. I can't wait to get home tomorrow. Back to my messy room, which would be even messier with all the loot we've acquired on our travels. Time to tidy up, restructure my life, learn how to serve better and rediscover who God really made me to be. It's gonna be an interesting ride!

mmm.....

Day 1

2011-12-14T22:33:00.001+08:00

something like that...

2011-12-13T10:16:00.001+08:00

of the last two weeks.

2011-11-09T16:40:00.002+08:00

Have you heard Coldplay?

2011-10-28T17:44:00.001+08:00

I've discovered that I like discovering. Oh yes, discovering. I used to hate change so very passionately and really disliked the idea of new people in life. Perhaps it was the fear that a new friend would change everything. Gosh, isn't that what it's supposed to be. Therefore my fear was truly unreasonable.

Thankfully, I've grown up a little bit since then and now really appreciate newness, new friends, and definitely loving change. I've not been more excited about the idea than at this present moment.

I'd honestly love to sit and write a ton more but alas I am again distracted, much like a cat (I really don't like cats) but yes, like a cat. There are showers to be taken, laundry to be hung out to dry and other things to be fidgetted with. Oh wait, fidgetted is not a word? Who cares.

ANYWAYS, the point I was trying to make really - I am going to challenge myself to list down 5 Things That Make Me Happy every week. This way, I'd be forced to discover, even when I don't feel like it, and forced to write (because I'm the most inconsistent writer on the planet) consistently. I'd also probably have to come up with some creative idea that... oh nevermind.

Distraction is winning. I'm signing off.

The 5 Things of this week will be maybe coming up shortly. I am totally NOT enjoying using my parents old wonky laptop. I miss my laptop and I'm still so very sorry for being so careless and leaving it on the seat of my car for a nosy passer-by to take home.

Peace. x

restless.

2011-10-10T01:03:00.001+08:00

Its that time of the year again. The time where I start to get restless. The time when the year is readying for the close of yet another successful journey around the sun. Of course this also means the start of yet another exciting journey around the sun, hence the restlessness.

Year after year, the same old familiar restlessness comes back knocking at my door. Something new, something unknown and unfamiliar, something grand, something dangerous and requiring bravery, something great - it's as if it is calling my name from afar; yet, because I know not where or what, I have no knowledge of how to answer or respond. So I continue to stand, on guard, hopeful, ready to run; still its all just restlessness.

Perhaps if I stopped living in space of years, and start living as though it were just a continual journey; one that had no pauses or reruns around any suns, one that just kept going on like a road that never ends like the song - that one that says it never ends, or like Nyan Cat.

This coming close of the year seemingly brings a new uncertainty though. It's an exciting time.

So today is 40 days, then I start my own personal version of a new circle around the sun. Maybe that's why this time of a year holds even more restlessness than the average person.

Oh well. Reality is, I'm going to be on my knees because for the first time, if I don't get much of an answer come the start of the new circle, I might finally get my dream fulfilled - bum around. Oh but then, for those who do know me, the novelty really might only last a couple weeks. Haha, we'll see!

For now, I probably should sleep. Goodnight world xx