Its the thing that keeps me coming back, but its also the thing that keeps me away. When I listen to worship songs, or when I watch people worship, it breaks my heart. There's an ache and a longing to go back to that time. Yet, I remember that time being so heartbreaking as I was searching for the more, for the real and tangible, for an encounter that never seemed to come. I remember that time being so exhausting.
So I walked away.
If you ask me about the walking away, there's always a physical moment I remember. A moment where I stand and I know I am literally standing at crossroads where I'm faced with the question, "are you ready to walk down that path and face the consequences accordingly?" and where my mind asks me "what if there's no return?" and I physically respond "yes, let's go, turning back or no."
I'm always thinking about those moments. Its happened twice.
I've searched for real and tangible. Four years I've been away. The ache is real.
I'm not looking to turn back time, or go back to that time. I've learned far too much to want to go back to the simplicity of ignorance. The ache is different now, its one that is burdened even more with wanting to worship because the lost are still lost, because there are people who are hurting, because the world is so broken, because maybe in our worship chains really will break. But the ache also is to reach out to the broken world, to find a way to be a solution, to be the hands and feet of Jesus, to care, to hold, to bandage the broken people.
The question is more complex today than it was four years ago. Its similar, but one that has a depth that I don't even know to explain. I'm still exhausted though.
Still, the ache is real. I don't know how it will ever go away. I wonder if King David thought the same things.