Of taking risks and losing control.

Perhaps the biggest thing I've come to realize about life, at least mine, is that I do not have control over everything. I've always tried to be intensely careful and guarded so to avoid taking risks, making mistakes, get hurt, be disliked, etc. - to evaluate the probabilities of everything and weigh the pros and cons before doing even the smallest thing like reading a book.

See, even reading a book can be risky. To spend that much time on something only to find out that the ending of the book is nothing as I expected.

It's been intensely frustrating at times to discover that I know so little and have experienced only so little in life. Stepping out into the great wide world has been quite intense at times and overwhelming, one of the biggest risks I've taken. To try and figure out who are friends and who are foes. Yet, in all this I've never felt the Holy Spirit closer than He has been in the last three months.

So I've given up trying to stay in control of everything. I've not given up on life, I've just given up trying to be the boss of the universe and try to make everything go according to how I want it so that I never fail or get hurt. I've decided it is worth taking risks, even if I have no idea how the end will look like.

Life is a risk. There will be hiccups, failures, mistakes and disappointments along the way and there will be heartbreak but alas it's so good to know that I am a child of a God who knows all, knew all, made all and has everything under control. He's taken the risk of entrusting my life to me but knows full well that it will work out in the end. If all else fails, that's all I need to sleep soundly at night - I am loved and secure.

Yup. xoxo


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