they say, life makes more sense in hindsight...

This might be long. I know I've said what a dreary year 2011 had been. But you know, it isn't until you look back at how God REALLY ANSWERED your prayers does it suddenly occur to you that 2011 might have been pretty darn amazing!

This is what I asked God for in 2011 (a list written at Connect Group)

1. To know what God thinks of me - to be a girl who is really secure
- in the last few months of 2011, I had multiple people tell me I'm the most 'princess-like' person they know and that I really carry myself like a princess and I really represent my name well. oh and I definitely found out what God thinks of me multiple times throughout the year.

2. Write a book
- okay... this can be carried forward :)

3. Be more encouraging to others and to myself too
- I'm not sure about being encouraging to others, someone else will have to vouch for that. But personally, I've definitely learnt to encourage myself and also be a little less harsh on myself.

4. Be a generous person and grateful too
- This was not easy at times but I've seen my generosity levels go from zero to something I can honestly say I was proud of me in 2011. I learnt to give more than I ever expected to receive. I paid for more peoples meals than I'd ever done before. I gave without agenda. I gave because I loved people.

5. Sponsor a child
- Okay. Now, I totally didn't look at this list till now. 2nd January 2012. I wrote this list probably in February 2011. Who would have imagined that our church would start Kingdom City 2 (Transform Cambodia)? Who would have imagined that Jane, Josh and I would buy flight tickets to Cambodia with no expectation or knowledge of us being able to have sponsored a child. But God knows the desires of our heart yes. Kingdom City 2 was launched on 27th November and the three of us flew to Cambodia on 13th December and got to meet An Laiheang (the little girl we sponsor) two days later.

In hindsight, there were multiple events that really tested a lot of these areas of my life. I wrecked my phone beyond repair, which really pushed those insecurity buttons but gave God room to show me areas that I'd so cleverly hidden. I got into multiple accidents and even lost my laptop a few months later which tested faith, trust and all the fruits of the spirit you could ask for. Those events really brought out the dross and forced me to grow in grace, faith, forgiveness and confidence in who God is. I also definitely learnt to forgive myself.

Something else really amazing happened though in 2011. Kingdom City had its first Miracle Offering. I actually can't remember how much I gave. But I gave all I had with no possibility of replenishing my bank account via monthly paycheck. That was pretty scary. But hey, God had been teaching me generosity right. I also had no idea what to ask for when I gave though.

Some time after that offering, I was told my phone was able to be fixed - which was a miracle! In November, I got a macbook pro as a birthday present from my parents and my dad bought a Canon 60D - two things I've really wanted.

On New Years Eve, my parents also gave me a receipt stating that they'd purchased a car for me (as a belated birthday present). I'd never asked them for a car before so it was a really huge surprise. On that Sunday though, Esther (my amazing friend) reminded me that I did ask for a car at the beginning of the year, as a joke sort of. Which reminded me that when I had been talking to my students early on in the year about what they wanted for their birthday, I had jokingly said I wanted to have a birthday party and a car. God does have a huge sense of humour! Be careful what you joke about!

Now, after all these words, I'm beginning to see that God was with me every single step of the way. Bumps and all. So 2011 really was a year of faith and growth. I just forgot. I focused on everything I did wrong and on everything I missed. Bad perspective! Ah! I probably need to go have a 'gratefulness' session with God now.

I'm adding GRATEFULNESS to my list of Resolutions this year now - lest we forget.

Oh hey, I also made soooooooo many new friends in 2011. That was good too!

Love u all, sj xx

12 Words.

2012

Here are 12 words that I felt drop into my heart for this coming year. No, I did not plan 12 words. But as I typed them out, I realized that there were 12. So here’s my little goal list for 2012. Not much of a resolution list but its a list.

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Hope

Pull out the dusty journals of my life that I’ve stored away, dreams and all. This year, ask God to reawaken dreams that have been shelved and dreams that have died. Ideas that had once been exploding inside that I’ve found dampened, expectations that I’ve found killed – 2012 is time to reawaken and rediscover hope.

Strength

Kingdom City has stated that 2012’s theme is Strength. But beyond a church theme, I really want this to be my personal theme. Above all the other words in this list, strength is one thing I really want to have.

                        Physical strength – exercise, eat healthy, sleep well

Mental strength – in Proverbs it says that one must study to show thyself worthy; I want to memorize better, read more consistently, and use my mind for more than what I’ve used it in the past.

Emotional strength – I’m a sucker in this area. Definitely need building here!

Spiritual strength – to know God more intimately, to read, know, embrace and understand the Bible, to carry God’s fragrance even more evidently than before, become a worshiper from the heart, to love God for real

Grace

I barely understand God’s grace and I still get amazed when people show me grace but one thing I want to be better in is showing grace to others. I’ve watched people who aren’t Christians show grace so much better than I ever have and if indeed I want to carry God’s fragrance even better this year, then I should be a better agent of grace.

Focus

For someone with super a short attention span, this has been a challenge. Focusing on something instead of everything. I want to be able to start well and end even better. I want to enjoy the journey but ensure I finish what I begin. I want to remain focused on what I need to do instead of get distracted halfway and then do whatever I started halfheartedly.

Growth

This is self-explanatory I think. I want to see growth in all the areas listed here.

Awe

Rediscover childish wonder. I want to be able to be awed and amazed by even the simplest things.  I refuse to allow people to tell me I’m just easily amused. I want to be easily amused.

Flow

This ties a lot with focus. Regardless of the fact that I’m going to be having my hand in a whole lot of different things this year, I want to be able to carry on the same passion from one thing to another. Not to treat anything less than another. To flow would mean, I’d be able to carry life into every area of work, play, study, relationships, etc.

Expansion

I want to expand my borders. Literally, I want to explore more of the world. This doesn’t just mean to travel to foreign lands, but even to experience new things, places, cultures right here in my own backyard. I will continue my coffee/café adventures in the light of this of course!

Intentional

To be intentional about everything I do. I do not want to just jump into things for the sake of doing something. From whom I go out with to what I eat for dinner to what I’m allowing my students to watch to what I buy at the grocery store to the movies I watch, I want to be intentional. I do not want to be mindless.

Create

If strength was to be my 2012 personal theme, create will be my project. This year I want to squeeze every ounce of creativity out of me. This doesn’t just mean I want to design more things or make better postcards; I want to see me do everything more creatively. Find creative options for everything. My words have the power to create. I want to create environments for people to thrive in.

Discipline

Of all the above, this will hold it all together. Discipline. This has been my downfall my whole life. I’ve tried hard to be a lot of things, that didn’t help. I tried being more spiritual, that obviously failed. I tried to be more focused, that won’t work – not without discipline. If I cultivated proper discipline in my life, all the 10 points above will flow ever so beautifully.

Love

This has to be the key to everything. Without love, it’ll all be meaningless. We all know this. I know this. So in 2012, everything I do must be done out of love; to have a servant heart and serve in love.

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This is going to be a fully amazing year; I am excited for it. I guess partly because I am saying ‘GOOD RIDDANCE’ to 2011 since it’s been quite a bit of a blur for me.

I also still am looking out for more coffee dates, and also looking for more people to send-and-receive postcards from.

Happy New Year everyone! Have the best 2012 you can imagine!

sj xoxo

but then again.

Being grown up is about doing the hard stuff. It’s about finding joy and gratitude in the midst of horrible circumstances. It’s about not feeling “entitled” to your way or your comfort. It’s also about taking initiative, not waiting to be asked. And, not resenting when you are asked to do something. Being grown up is about loving.

Being grown up is not about you. - Gail Hyatt

I just want for all of this to end!

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights

The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites

I want to run away I want to ditch my life

Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

Because I just want for all of this to end

And I so hate consequences

And running from you is what my best defense is

Consequences

Oh God, don't make me face up to this

And I so hate consequences

And running from you is what my best defense is

Cause I know that I let you down

And I don't want to deal with that

When I got tired of running from you

I stopped right there to catch my breath

There your words they caught my ears

You said, "I miss you son. Come home"

And my sins, they watched me leave

And in my heart I so believed

The love you felt for me was more than

The love I'd wished for all this time

And when the doors were closed

I heard no I told so's

I said the words I knew you knew

Oh God, Oh God I needed you

God all this time I needed you, I needed you

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I'm ready for the end.

I'm tired.

New years don't necessarily mean new heart or new mind.

I don't just want a new year.

I want a new me.

Either that, or let's just quit now.

Unfinished Thoughts: Grace, and whatever it may or may not mean.

Sometimes I get reminded about how much of a misfit I am. Okay, truth is I'm always aware of it. There's one person who's nicknamed me 'trouble'. I laugh at that name, because sometimes I think it's very true, sometimes I hope it's not true, some days it haunts me, then sometimes I don't care if it is true.

I was having a conversation today about having "a call" upon ones life. You might have heard of this if you've been in 'christian circles' long enough. Some people grow up in Christian families, some others don't. Some are pastor's kids, some are just kids of doctors, lawyers or shopkeepers. Calling. I mentioned that some people have huge calls upon their lives, which then would imply that some people don't. You know, I don't know how this works and right now, I don't quite have the capacity to try make sense of it either. But it must be true somehow, seeing that certain people have bigger hurdles than others to get to where God wants you to be. Just like that saying "with great power comes great responsibility".. who decides who gets great power anyways? Likewise, who decides who gets huge callings and not?

Yet, there's this thing about being a misfit.

I just love thinking about grace. No, really. It's a baffling thing that someone would entrust life into my hands. Let's not even talk about being entrusted with other peoples lives, let's just say I'm amazed God allowed me to live my life! Giving me free will and all. It's humorous.

I turned 28 a month ago. Nope, I'm not necessarily beaming with pride of where I have been or how far I've come. I'm not ashamed, just not sure how it all fits into a picture. I still have no idea what I'm doing and no idea where I'm headed either. What about 'calling' and 'destiny'? I have no idea. Most people work really hard to get to where they are, I've just sat on my ass all my life and waited. Yet, God has been good to me. Why? Shouldn't I be allocated the "lazy people shouldn't eat" rule as stated in Proverbs?

Still, there's this thing called GRACE. Like I said, baffling. I wouldn't give me grace. I wouldn't give a lot of people grace. I might give some really nice, sweet people grace. But definitely not the majority of human beings living on this planet. But hey, thankfully I'm not God!

So I've been asked recently, why do bad things happen to good people then? Baffling!

Questions!! So many questions! People ask them, I ask them, we all ask them!

Yet, grace. Grace grace grace.

Who knows right?!

Yes, I was supposed to be cleaning my room. I'm not going out till I'm done. I'll continue this thought another time.... till then, feel free to add your two cents worth if you will :)

love x